Suicide is the leading cause of death for people under 35 in the UK. is a devastating issue our society faces. Suicidal thoughts are the obvious precursor to committing suicide. Everyone who has committed suicide has experienced suicidal thoughts. On the contrary, the often overlooked fact is that not everyone who has suicidal thoughts commits suicide.
What separates the people who kill themselves when experiencing suicidal thoughts and those who don’t, is isolation.
Isolation is lethal. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you are most likely isolated in some form already. Such states arise when it seems apparent that all there is to life is suffering and it is no longer possible to bear. To be feeling such suffering indicates isolation from the true external world and the love around us. Our sense of time becomes distorted and we believe there is no possible future where things get better. Further isolation makes us believe we are trapped and we (or part of us) becomes desperate to escape by any means.
For most people – suicidal thoughts are an unwelcome intrusion. They can be incredibly vivid, leaving the person feeling distressed, scared, vulnerable. There can be great inner turmoil as one fragment of the person is providing suicidal ideation, whilst the other wants to live and feels disturbed by these images. (Suicidal thoughts are usually images.)
Stress increases as one tries to hide or ignore what is happening due to a fear of judgement, institutionalisation or being belittled/patronised.
Society has a role to understand what is happening with suicidal people. These people are not deranged or disturbed. They are normal people experiencing incredible suffering. Suicidal images are a natural response to obscene human suffering.
The question might now be? Why are these people suffering so much? Life has never been so comfortable, they must be more sensitive.
Life has certainly become more comfortable with recent technological advancements and capitalism meaning more people can afford ‘luxury items.’ However with the focus on logic we have lost the ineffable. We have lost community, sharing, love, connection with nature. All the while, seemingly gaining more expectations on the individual; We have images of what we need to be in order to be accepted constantly thrown at us. We need to be educated, slim, tall, fit, healthy, funny, fast, good looking, popular, make good money, respected, the list goes on. Virtuous attributes are no longer respected in our society. Instead of worshipping heroes, we worship celebrities for the material perfections they represent. We have lost humility and humanity.
Humans are not designed to face adversity alone. We are a social animal and the emphasis and rise of the individual has left people without connection. You may not even feel safe to be who you really are around people because you’re trying to present an image of who you want people to think you are in order to be accepted. This is what is being taught to children by placing human worth on monetary currency or other unimportant values at school and through social media.
People with suicidal thoughts experience the hardship we all face with self worth being externalised to physical concepts and items. But it is likely they have also experienced traumatic events as well as this mounting individual pressure. This creates a concoction of suffering that is too much to handle alone.
Hardship is inevitable in life – but isolation and hardship is a lethal combination. Therefore the most important thing to do is destigmatize suicidal thoughts so that it is easier for people to talk about it. The reason there are so many suicide helplines is because it removes the isolation element in the worst moments and people can be talked down from following through with their plans. Connection saves lives.
Suicide has touched many of our lives which makes it painful to talk about – but shying away from it, cements the stigma and so people remain discouraged to share how they are truly feeling. Which enforces the feeling of isolation which makes it more likely for people to commit suicide.
Britain in particular has always been proud of having a ‘stiff upper lip’ and avoiding uncomfortable conversations is what we do best – How is the weather where you are?
But if we keep this narrative more people will continue to kill themselves. We need to prepare ourselves for when the feelings come to a loved one, friend, colleague or ourselves! Freaking out makes people regret telling you and discouraged to talk to anyone else. So we need to allow ourselves to get close to the uncomfortable topic to see it for what it really is – a normal person who needs connection.
So what actually to do?
If you are concerned about someone’s welfare: be honest.
Tell them that you are concerned about them and open the door to the conversation. They may not want to use the door right this second but now they know you’re there for them. Especially if you told them in a respectful and calm manner.
If you don’t understand what they are going through, or if you’re feeling a bit frightened, don’t try to be a stoic hero, share that information. Be yourself and be honest, that is the foundation for connection. Which is exactly what they’re asking for. You don’t need to be perfect at this! There is a common misconception that ‘if i get this wrong they will kill themselves.’ You have no control over what anyone else does ever. So don’t torture yourself with that pressure or try to hide how you’re feeling in order to be what you think they need. If they have come to you, it’s probably because they trust you and you’re naturally a nice person without trying.
Tell them its ok to talk about suicidal feelings
If that is what they are experiencing. But only if it is actually ok, if you are likely to get triggered, kindly explain that and encourage them to talk to someone else. It’s important they feel encouraged to talk to someone else and you trying to hide your trauma response probably won’t do that. (Then go find someone you can talk to so you can work through how suicide affected you.)
Don’t over react
Remember this is a normal human being. With a normal response to a shit time. Be kind, breath, try to stay present with them. Panic will not make anything better.
Knowing when to intervene.
It is vitally important to be calm and avoid overreacting if someone is sharing with you. However if someone is manic, crying on the phone, changing wills, leaving notes or actively carrying out suicide attempts or you suspect that is happening. This is when police are called immediately.
There will be debate on when to initiate further support/sectioning people with suicidal ideation. In my view, leading with drastic measures discourages the individual from seeking help in an individual’s case and in general. Because it creates a fear culture in society of ‘if I tell anyone, they will think I’m crazy and I will get sectioned!’ Further discouragement since no one wants to be labelled as suicidal because it is not seen as natural, no one wants to cause a fuss, no one wants to worry their loved ones, no one wants to be sectioned!
Furthermore utilizing these services too early can make an individual feel like no one understands what they are going through – they may be horrified by their thoughts and have no intention to act on them. Talking to them in a belittling way as if they have no control over what they do, can make the isolation worse. This is why it’s important to open the conversation with individuals to gauge where they are and in general society so we can all get a better understanding of why suicidal thoughts come and their different stages and manifestations. This will make us better at connecting with people in general and those in dire circumstances.
Opening this conversation and calming the anxiety around it, will save lives.
If you are feeling suicidal and don’t know who to turn to you can DM me on insta: melinarjames or there are hotlines below:)
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/ Phone: 116 123
Papyrus has a beautiful video on there homepage.