Humans are social creatures that rely on each other to survive. Historically, we were animals that rely on working together in order to find food, and to protect ourselves. Much like pack animals such as wolves. Social animals on their own are unlikely to survive long because or their inability to source food and shelter. In humans, we all have a need for connection to each other because it is the basis of our survival. The need for connection drives us together so we can survive in this world.
This is so deeply embedded into us that we can still be affected by loss of connection despite having our survival needs met. This is seen in cases of the lonely elderly who die much younger. Some estimates say that loneliness is a greater risk factor for premature mortality than obesity and is comparable to the risk of smoking. Some research indicates that loneliness is associated with an increased risk of heart attack, Alzheimer’s disease and high blood pressure. Because evolutionary we know rejection from the group means death, our bodies start dying quicker.
Therefore fear of rejection is written into our cells. Not only is it a psychological condition but also a biological one. In fact rejection from the group was used by ancient tribes as a form of punishment. Ostracized from the tribe, the individual was not expected to last long on their own. We also see this phenomenon in groups of chimps who on rare occasions reject a member who is acting abnormally, in one case two members were shunned for having polio.
Flight, fight, freeze, fawn
This means we are hardwired to analyse what the group requires us to be in order to fit in and survive. In our felt experience, this means we may lose presence and enter a threat response such as flight/fight/freeze/fawn giving us an anxious feeling. We may feel like we need to ‘recharge’ by having some alone time due to the amount of energy expended in the outer analysis and threat response.
Fawn response is sometimes referred to as ‘people pleasing.’ It is when we place all of our worth and well being externally in order to favour the needs of others. People who are chronic people pleasers may experience increased levels of illness and burnout and bitterness. It is different to being a kind and considerate person because this person still has a centre, sense of self and healthy boundaries that keeps balanced. They’re motivation for being kind comes from just wanting to be kind rather than a fear of rejection.
Some people will fight, often emotionally and energetically in order to dominate the group to avoid rejection. Some responses may cause us to ‘freeze’ making our minds go blank as we become of fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing that could lead to rejection. Other people may ‘flight’ and avoid social contact altogether.
Although these behaviours are all different, they are manifestations of the same mechanism. Coping with the fear of rejection and ultimately death.
Awareness
The fear of rejection is so intrinsic it remains standing even when the idea of ‘self’ has dissolved. Therefore prying yourself free from its grip it is not a quick thing. However, any work you do to lessen its impact on your daily life is incredibly freeing. The more you witness and understand, the better it gets.
This system is very powerful and often is completely undetected. We are pushed around by the whims of these fear based emotions. So the first thing is to be able to witness this. This requires a degree of awareness. Awareness means giving yourself space to see things as they truly are. This can mean slowing down, stopping, breathing. Allowing the dust to settle and seeing what arises in the mind and body without judgement. This is the basis of meditation yet it does not require you to sit dutifully on a pillow looking zen. Simply slow down and observe. The more you do, the better you will get at it.
Once we are able to see the fear arising we can see what is causing it. This is what we call the inner critic. A series of beliefs inherited from our upbringing. Common foundation beliefs may be “I am not good enough” “I am bad” “I am too much.” From these foundation beliefs arise additional beliefs and behaviours called survival strategies that keep us in line with those bottom line foundation beliefs. This is because the foundation beliefs are what kept us safe in our childhood environment. Believing “I am not good enough” may result in additional beliefs such as “others are more important than me” which may lead to people pleasing tendencies which were rewarded in childhood. Whatever beliefs and strategies we conceive in childhood persist in adulthood.
This is what our personality consists of. A lot of the time these beliefs and strategies are non-harmful but they are limiting. Strategies may include overeating, procrastination, avoidance, isolation, overworking. Being slave to these is tiring and unfulfilling.
True freedom is available to the person who can undo these patterns.
Can you recognize any patterns you act out? Try this exercise “the reason I… is because I…” continue this line of questioning into you find the core belief.
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